best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
