What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
