My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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