Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
