sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
