nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
