apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
