A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
