i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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