I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
