I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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