my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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