How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
