i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
