My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
