so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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