Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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