Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
