Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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