bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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