Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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