I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
