I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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