Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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