I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
