I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
