lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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