perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
