i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
