you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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