You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Randomize
