Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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