for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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