When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
