Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think your dad took our porno
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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