Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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