no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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