I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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