Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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