i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
