so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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