He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
