I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
