So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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