How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
