Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
