I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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