meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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