I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
