meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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